this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
