Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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