VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
