I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
