Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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