I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
