so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
