so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
