What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
