I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
