Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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