i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
