I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
