so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
