You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm too high and old for this...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
