I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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