I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
