Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
