dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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