put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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