i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
