just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
