Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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