he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
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