I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
