$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
