in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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