We won't sleep together?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
