1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
