i don't like sucking hair
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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