...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
