What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
