Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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