Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
