He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
don't judge my taste in strippers
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
