I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
