just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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