it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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