Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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