Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
