How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
