Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
