Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
