it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
