i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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