ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us�
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
