I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
