Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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