I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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