rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
