When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
