last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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