I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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