He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
