Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
In other news, I just burned my penis
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize
