I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
